07-21-09
I just watched the Exorcist with Steven. I didn’t think it was any big deal. Just a 70’s horror flick. And during the time I was like, oh, that is freaky. But now, after the fact, I am kinda freaked out. I keep seeing the image of the little girls head turned round. Like, I am kind of afraid to go to sleep tonight because I will probably dream about it…silly isn’t it? Stuff like that doesn’t really affect you when you are watching it. It is afterwards that it gets ya, because it gets in your head. So I am listening to praise music, and trying not to think about it. It is strange how when you are scared when you are a kid is different than how you are scared as an adult. As a child it is mind numbing terror. But as an adult it is just a kind of a back of the mind type thing.
So, I am trying to get my head straight by listening to praise music and journaling. I probably shouldn’t have watched that movie. And I can certainly say I will NEVER see it again.

Steven and I hung out today. He basically just got dumped by Melissa over facebook. Ouch. Not to mention he has had about 5 friends that he has known since 9th grade just ditch him. And he is working himself sick—he is working like 50 hours a week, doing friendZ and Sunday worship. So he is just having a hard time. So, I spent most of the day with him. Didn’t stick to my diet. It is basically impossible with I am with him cause he wants to eat out all the time. And I didn’t get to exercise which is my one main regret for today. Other than that it was good. We talked about a lot of stuff—and I just kind of listened and acted as a sounding board. I will say one thing. We officially addressed the “subject”. He just kind of brought it up in passing saying “sometimes I wonder if we should just be together. I mean, we already act like an old married couple, with our fake fights and stuff.” The old married couple part made me laugh. But I did respond. I said, “Yeah, I have wondered about that too.” And then we both just left it at that.

But we were talking later, and he brought it up. I basically told him that I don’t want anything more right now. Because I am happy where we are; not that I am closing off all possibility, but that I just don’t want anything right now. But, honestly, I don’t think anything will develop. There are just some fundamental differences between us. And there are subjects I can’t bring up and talk to him about, cause he just doesn’t get it—and these subjects are important, like my depression, my bipolar, my destructive behavior. That kind of stuff. And his interaction with his mom is sometimes troubling. He is just so persnickety with both of his parents. But that is probably because he is still living with them and doesn’t realize how good he has it, and how much he should value them.
But, we had a few drinks and went out to lunch and dinner and just sat in his car off campus and talked for like a hour. Just kind of letting him vent. Not a bad thing. He asked me what was wrong earlier today. Apparently it seems like there is something bothering me. I can’t put my finger on anything specifically. I just had a general sense of unease. Could be because of dear pearl…God please help her… or maybe it is a combination of everything, ya know? I don’t know. All I knew is that I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to explore what it could be. I just didn’t even want to broach the subject. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. I can do it all on my own. I don’t need to get anyone else involved in the sick little circles that I run around in my head. I want to fix things God, but I don’t know how.

Pearl’s sister died at 9:46 am this morning. I was just so shocked. I thought she was getting better. And I just…have no idea what to do. Pearl and her sister are SO close. I didn’t know whether to call her or not. I ended up calling her and leaving a message. She called me back later that night to let me know she was ok. But after I talked to her I wanted to cry. I have never heard her sound so…terrible. But I didn’t expect her to sound good. I guess just the extent of how horrible she sounded was more than I expected. Good lord…what can you do? What can you say?

I am going to take my meds and try to get some sleep. Maybe get something to eat. The Alcohol is kind of bothering my tummy. Funny, I just realized I have a bottle of mikes hard lemonade stashed somewhere in my room. I don’t remember where and probably need to find it.
I woke up with a killer headache this morning. Lasted nearly all day. I think it is because of the pillows. I have a really nice one at home that I meant to bring with me. I just fogot.


07-22-09
Ok, I just watched this video called “God Squad.” It royally pissed my off. They were touting God around like he was some mind of ‘magical force’ to be called upon at their whim. And you had people praising it saying “We serve and awesome God!” and it is like, YES we serve and awesome God. But he CANNOT and WILL NOT be flaunted around like a common parlor trick. It really, really, really pissed me off. It also pissed me off that people bought into it so whole heartedly. Don’t you see the exploitation? The irreverence? The idea that God will cure ALL your ills, just because some jackass calls upon him at that moment in time? I am not denying the power of God. But it is shit like this that just presents a skewed image of God. He is not some divine gumball machine that we can put a spiritual quarter in and receive a pretty red bundle that will solve all our problems. Stupid, ignorant fools.

Anyhow…Did I mention in my previous journal? I don’t think so. Steven and I were talking. And he mentioned how he rarely showed his anger. And how when he did, people told him he was scary. I agreed with him, and tried to elaborate on my experience with Sarah last year, how she happened to come in my room looking for something, and “accidently” read 3 pages of my journal. Steven went on to defend her, which royally pissed me off. Because it was like one more person who was telling me that my anger was unfounded, unwarranted. One more person who made light of my feelings. Steven tried to keep talking in general terms. And I know he was talking in general terms, I was just still pissed about his former comment, so I was like “Steven can we please not talk about this? I know I brought it up, but lets just drop it.”

And then he said “I wasn’t talking about that. I was just speaking in general.” And I remained silent, because I wanted to tell him to fuck off. Then when we got back to apartment I was just really agitated. He kept trying to asks me what was wrong, and I couldn’t tell him. Largely because other than the whole “anger thing not being right” I was just pissed off. I kept telling him to drop it, because I didn’t want to deal with it.
I don’t know. A lot has been going on lately. Actually, not much I suppose. I can’t even really pinpoint what is going on. And I don’t really want to because that would mean I have to focus on it and deal with it. And when I don’t even know what it is, I don’t really want to open that can of worms. I could talk about what that movie “on the edge” made me think about. I could talk about how it made me feel. But that is a dark road, a road that leads back to cedar springs. A road that leads to me thinking stuff like that is poetic, dark, and beautiful. When in reality it is just dark, dismal and sad. I don’t know. I just wish I had relationships where I could share stuff, ya know? Where I could talk about the dark stuff without someone throwing the bible in my face. Where I can tell people what is really going on without worrying about what they are going to say—without them telling me it would be a shame, it would be bad. I don’t want condemnation. I already have enough of that for myself. I have said it many times, but I miss my secular friends. I miss them so much. Not that I really had too many after Shauna and I had a falling out. I really had no one after Shauna and I had a falling out. Just Melissa. And she is awesome. We have really become closer since she moved to South Carolina.

Ok. I just received a call from Dennis, telling me that Mark won’t let him hire anyone else for the summer. So my summer plans have basically become shit. I called Jan. She said she will only need me a couple days a week. And I went ahead and called Ben and asked him if I could come work for him for a few days a week. He said to give him a call back around august 1st. So I am basically in limbo about the whole job thing, which is very frustrating. And the library fell through as well. He wants someone experienced. So I am out. I don’t know what to do. Everywhere else I have applied has fallen through. I now have no backup plan. I am screwed. I am frustrated. I mean, God, you are supposed to provide for me. What more do you want? I am trying to trust you, but when money is on the line it is difficult. Sure, I probably ruined every chance you gave me by being so passive. I am an idiot. I know. And I know you have given me chance after chance. Maybe I blew it, and you are saying “see what happens when you don’t listen to me?” Well God, I see. I really do. Thanks for that. As if I wasn’t depressed enough. You know what, f this. I am going to go work out. Maybe that will make me feel less like shit. Fuck you, fucker. Fuck you.

Why is it every Job I have depended on has fallen through? Every job I was certain to get has fallen through? What the hell are you trying to tell me God? To trust you? To depend on you? Well, I don’t know if you know this, but that is fing hard to do when I don’t see you providing for me. At least not providing for me in the way I want. Part of me is like “Angela, God will provide for you.” But another part of me is like “F this! God isn’t doing shit.” I mean, how am I supposed to survive on 600 dollars? How am I supposed to afford books?

But then again, I haven’t been handling my money very well. When I first moved to west I never went out. Now I go out like 1 a week. I need to stop doing that. No more dinners out. No more movies. No more entertainment of any kind unless it is free. I am just so frustrated right now, that I want to curl up into a little ball and cry. What am I supposed to do? What?
You know, I never understood people who were angry at ‘the rich’. But I am not angry at the rich. I am angry at people who have a job and complain—complain about the job, complain about the salary. I am angry at people who are like “I only have 900 dollars in my bank account right now.” I am like “F YOU, you want to know how much I have in MY bank account? How I have depleted my savings that used to be over 3000 dollars in a measly 2 years?” I hate it when people talk about money cause it makes me sick. And then there is sarah, whose parents are paying for her school. And her stay HERE, and she wants them to pay for her gas too. It is like, F OFF. You don’t know how good you have got it. Suck it up and pay for your F-ing gas you b. She is so sheltered. Did I ever tell you that she didn’t know how to fry an egg, or make pancakes, or cook a hot dog? I mean come on. She has always had mommy and daddy do everything for her. Sometimes it pisses me off, other times I am in disbelief. But I should probably stop talking about this because it is just getting me more and more angry. I need to go work out—to kill myself on the treadmill. That should take some of the sting off. Normally I would just play video games till I couldn’t think anymore. But I loaned my controllers out and I can’t seem to get them synced back up with my sister. I am never doing THAT again. Peace out...

Angela